5 Golden Keys to Assertiveness and Setting Boundaries

Or why yelling at someone doesn't make you assertive... 

"Let them know where the uncrossable line lies" courtesy of Yrandy 

* The True Art of Assertiveness

So, how should we handle other people when they take liberties? 

Step 1) Decide where your boundaries lie

How far is too far? What are you willing and unwilling to take from other people?

Set a limit in your mind and stick to it. This doesn't have to mean you set no leeway, but internally draw a line and don't let them cross it.

I recall a client telling me how she'd met a man at a wedding. She'd given this man her telephone number - not because she'd wanted to, but because he'd asked for it. He called her up and asked to come round. She was busy but said okay. He decided she needed to buy herself a new car. She didn't want one. You've guessed it; by the end of the day, she'd bought one. It didn't work properly, so he took it away to 'sort it out'. She only got it back when her mother made such a fuss that he felt he had to return the unwanted car.

I asked her at what point she would say no to someone. At first, she said she couldn't think of a point, and then she replied, "I can say no on behalf of other people." She had to learn to say enough is enough to protect herself. And when she started to do that, she also began to respect herself more.

We can cut people some slack in life, but please decide just how much you are willing to take. 

Step 2) Know that forgiveness can make the situation worse

Many of us like to think we have a forgiving nature. And a bit of forgiveness here and there is wonderful and helps the world turn. But - and you knew there was a 'but' coming - if you continually forgive someone their ongoing bad behavior, they get much worse. Which, of course, doesn't really help them, either. You see this happening in relationships all the time (including work relationships). If we constantly forgive and make allowances for bad behavior, it ceases to even be 'bad behavior' in the eyes of the person doing it.

Research found that people who exhibit aggressive behavior against their spouses (such as throwing insults; swearing; stamping out of the house; throwing items; or pushing, slapping, kicking, or hitting their spouse) were more likely to continue such behavior if their partner was forgiving. However forgiving the person does not mean forgiving their behavior. The fact is, any form of human behavior can come to seem okay if it seems to be endorsed through forgiveness. The buck needs to stop somewhere...but how do you clearly let someone know you will not accept bad behavior? 

Step 3) Remember ASSA

Whether you need to talk to a boundary-crossing colleague, a disrespectful partner, or a cantankerous neighbor, you'll need a strategy. Assertiveness is a form of calm, clear communication, not a verbal assault. So often when we feel upset with someone, we shout or scream; but they genuinely might not clearly get why we are upset. People can be super intelligent in all sorts of ways, but genuinely not understand why they have upset other people. I'm sure you know people like this. Don't assume people can read your mind and must somehow just know that you are upset. Get used to telling it how you see it. ASSA stands for: 

- Alert the person that you want to speak to them. For example: "I want to talk to you about the way you have been yelling at me in front of other staff recently." Notice there is no blaming or emotional language at this point. 

- State your grievance by telling the person what the problem is. "I'm not happy with you shouting at me." Tell them why it's a problem. "It makes me angry and I think it makes you look unprofessional in front of other staff and customers." 

- Sell the benefits of them behaving better. "In future, if you have something to say to me, it'd be better for you to talk rather than shout, and do so privately. This will make you appear more professional and improve my morale, as well." 

- Seek agreement for doing things differently in future. "Can we agree that from now on, you refrain from shouting and if you ever need to speak to me again, you do it away from other people?" If they agree, then remind them of their agreement if ever they renege on it. All you'll ever have to do in future is remind them of what they agreed.

Notice how clear this communication is. You've neither passively put up with their behavior nor been so emotional that they can counter-accuse you of being insulting, yelling, or losing your cool, which would actually side-step the issue. This kind of communication can be a powerful corrective to bad behavior, creating the kind of environment in which it cannot easily grow and spread. Of course, they might not mend their ways, but at least you have given them a chance to behave better and brought the over-the-line stepping out into the open. 

Step 4) Stay calm

This is so important. When people over-step the mark, it's natural to feel disgruntled - even enraged. But assertive, clear communication requires presence of mind and for that to be the case, we need calm. The moment we start launching insults or yelling or sobbing, we have left the realm of credibility.

Sure, it may not be surprising that bad behavior produces these responses within us, but now we have distracted the person from the issue of their behavior to how we are now reacting. It's all very well to suggest you stay calm in a situation that requires assertiveness, but actually being calm takes practice. It's important to rehearse what you're going to say to someone, but it's just as vital to rehearse or prepare how you're going to feel when you say it. You can use a self-hypnosis script to inwardly 'practice' calmly communicating assertively. 

Step 5) Practice honesty

We've all, perhaps, received a hideous gift from a well-meaning relative and pretended to, if not love it, at least quite like it. Sometimes, being slightly less than in-your-face honest is the kind thing to do. But by being more assertive, you not only gain more respect for yourself and others, you can enjoy the greater freedom that comes from being more honest more of the time. Ultimately, it doesn't help other people to live under the illusion that their behavior is okay when it really isn't. 

The Law Of Attraction:

Scientists tell us that the Universe is in a constant state of flux and re-alignment. Our body and the Universe can be likened to a radio transmitter and receiver. Our thoughts are like broadcast signals and every day, as we live our lives, the Universe receives our transmissions/ frequencies/ vibrations, and the law of attraction ensures that what we think about is reflected back to us. We want these reflections from the Universe to be all positive. 

* Uncover the ultimate E-course on the Law of Attraction!

http://www.lawofattractionpro.com/

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